Recently I have been playing the lottery a lot. It's
been pretty fun thinking about all the stuff I could
buy if I won, but I never do! I've tried everything I
can think of to put the odds in my favor (besides
buying more tickets. I don't want people thinking I'm
an addict), but nothing seems to work. I was wondering
if you had any pointers on what I could do to tip the
scales. Also, if you know anybody at the lottery put
in a good word for me. I think I would make a great
millionaire. You know, the kind that's generous yet
with just a touch of kooky craziness to make people
laugh and feel good about other people having way more
money than them. Well, there's another drawing
tonight, so cross your fingers for me, cause if I win,
we're getting trashed!
Sincerely,
Clemillionaire
Hey Clemillionaire!,
You're my bestest, oldest pal, right?! I'll save the rest of my ass kissing after you win.
You know, to be honest, at first I thought you were talking about "The Lottery", a short story about an old town that holds a lottery every year and the winner gets stoned to death. It's hilarious, a true feel-good story.
Wait, WERE you talking about that lottery? If so, I don't know if you want to get killed by rocks to the face, but if you do, seriously let me know because I know a great rock guy. He'll get you a good deal on face rocks.
Okay, so I'm going to assume that you'd rather win millions of dollars instead of being killed. So here's some quick tips:
Don't buy $400 worth of tickets. Sure it increases your chances, but chances are, you are going to wish you used that $400 on your insulin medication. I learned that one the hard way.
Get to know that dude or girl that does the lotto drawing on your local TV station. I suggest trying to have sex with them. Eventually you can ask them to rig the lotto drawing so you win. I think I saw that in a movie once...Either the one with John Travolta and Lisa Kudrow....or the more obscure one with Michael Keaton and Ray Dawn Chong. Either way, I'm pretty sure it won't work, but try it out anyway. It'll be a good story to tell the grandkids...or parole officer.
Last tip- Start your own lottery. Have people buy tickets from you, as the jackpot builds up, use some of the money for advertising so MORE people buy tickets. Tell them the drawing will be at the town square, Friday night at 8:00 sharp, and just when everyone arrives....WHAM! You stone them to death with rocks and keep the money! Then you take off and start your own town! It's flawless! I'd call the town "Lottopia".
Alright I hope these tips start you on your way to a great future in lotto fraud and prison time.
Enjoy.
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